


before you leave me today

by babylxxrry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Angst, Blood and Gore, Other, Suicide, side Ziam, side niall/ofc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 05:15:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5484941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babylxxrry/pseuds/babylxxrry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>harry can't help loving even after louis' left for eleanor. some days, it's just too much.</p><p>tw for suicide and blood</p>
            </blockquote>





	before you leave me today

**Author's Note:**

  * For [iambluehead](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iambluehead/gifts).



> it's my first ao3 post. go on and tear me apart. for iambluehead because she's fucking awesome.

Harry POV

My phone rang. Without even bothering to look at the caller ID, I picked up. I knew who it was.

“Hey Hazza, how’re you doing?”

“Hi Lou. ‘M okay. How’s El?” Eleanor. I hated her. Lou and I had broken up a year ago. We had stayed friends, as it would have been really awkward to continue 1D as ex’s. He had moved on only a month after, moving in with her. I kept up my ruse of happiness for him. I kept up my happiness and cheekiness onstage, and the goofiness in interviews. They were all lies. Masks. 

“El’s good! What’re you up to this weekend? You can come over and hang out with El and me, yeah?”

“Eh. I’ll think about it.. I’m not feeling really well.” I wasn’t. The pounding in my head. He doesn’t understand. He can’t see your mask. He thinks you and El are on okay terms. He left you. You aren’t good enough.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just a bit under the weather. Can you let the lads know I can’t make the hangout night tomorrow?”

“I will. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry, Lou. I’ll be fine.” Lies. All lies. He can’t see that you still love him. He can’t see your mask. 

“Okay, if you say so…”

“I’ll call you later and let you know if I’m up for hanging out this weekend, yeah?” No, I won’t. He can’t see through your mask. He doesn’t understand.

“Alright, bye!”

“Bye.” I hung up.

Was it time? I had the rope. The knife was there. Was I ready to do this? Was it time?

He doesn’t care. He left you. He thinks you’re alright. He thinks you’ve gotten over him. You weren’t good enough. He’s not coming back. He’s not coming back.

It’s time.

~  
Flashing lights in my mind  
Going back to the time  
Playing games in the streets  
Kicking balls with my feet  
There’s a numb in my toes  
Standing close to the edge  
~

 

Louis POV, Friday Night.

When we finished the hangout, Harry still hadn’t called or texted me. Heading home, I checked my email. Nothing. Oh well. Maybe he wouldn’t reply till tomorrow morning. I changed and slid into bed, El joining me soon after.

“Is Harry coming over tomorrow?”

“I don’t know. He hasn’t replied me yet.”

“I’m sure you’ll have something by tomorrow. Don’t worry about it.”

“Yeah. Love you.” I snuggled up to her, her familiar scent and warmth enveloping me.

“Love you too.”

 

Louis POV, Saturday Morning.

I stretched and grabbed my phone from the bedside table. Calls, one missed. Niall, late last night, voicemail asking about a small lyric thing he’d probably already forgotten about by now. Texts, two from Liam asking about hanging out at his and Zayn’s place for next week. Emails, one from Simon reminding everyone to be at the studio on Monday for the music video for the latest single. Nothing from Harry.

“Nothing?” El came into the room, already dressed to go out.

“Nope.” I sighed. He better not have forgotten and be moping around his flat.

“Oh well. I guess it’ll just be the two of us, then?”

“Yup. You’re headed out with friends today?”

“Yeah. See you tonight, babe.”

“Love you.”

As a last resort, I checked my messages on Twitter. Nothing. I headed downstairs, grabbing a bowl of cereal to start my day. I had an interview with Zayn and Liam from 9 to 1, but that was it. I still had a good 15 minutes to kill, so I headed back upstairs and opened my laptop. A new email notification came up. It was from Harry. I eagerly opened it, sure he’d finally replied to my offer of hanging out.

To: Nialler, Zaynie, Lili  
From: Haz  
Subject: Please Read: It’s Happening  
CC: Loubear <3<3  
Message:  
Hi Everyone  
Sorry for the mass email, but Zayn and Liam, when you read this, it’s happening. Liam, you know what to do. Ni, email them with the subject line “Lou?” and they’ll explain. Lou, babe, if you’re reading this, I won’t make it tonight, sorry. <3 Life gets in the way, y’know?  
H xx

What the fuck was happening? I opened a new message.

To: Zayn, Liam  
From: Louis  
Subject: Lou?  
Message:  
Hey guys,  
I just got Hazza’s email. What is that all about?  
Lou

An almost instantaneous reply from Liam, as if he’d been waiting for me to ask.

To: Louis  
From: Liam  
Subject: RE: Lou?  
CC: Zaynieboo  
Message:  
Hi Lou,  
I wish I could tell you what was up, but I can’t. Haz bound me to silence until the others finished their jobs.  
Li

What? This was even more confusing. Now I was worried. Harry hadn’t been replying to any of my texts, calls, or emails for the whole of yesterday. That was unusual for him. Out of all the lads, he usually replied to me the fastest. Glancing at the clock, I realized that if I didn’t change and go soon, I’d be late for the interview. 

 

Harry POV

I sent the email, then scribbled notes to each of the lads on a piece of paper and put it on my bed. I was ready. I glanced one last time at my phone, hoping against all odds to see Lou’s name on there. Of course it wasn’t. He doesn’t care. He’s not coming back. He can’t see through your mask. He’s not coming back. 

Taking a deep breath, I stepped onto the chair, tying the rope around the beam and my neck, grabbing the knife. He’s not coming back. He’s not coming back. He’s not coming back. I feel tears in my eyes, and I let them fall. I hacked into my veins, deeper and deeper, until blood flowed down my arms, staining my jeans, soaking into my jumper, pooling in the chair and on the floor. Tears streamed down my face to mix with the blood. I’m so sorry, Loubear. So, so sorry. He’s not coming back. He’s not coming back. I kicked the chair away, and in a few moments, my brain filled with a roaring black, and all was dark. The last thing I heard before that cut out too: He’s not coming back. Ever.

~  
Hands are silent  
Voice is numb  
Try to scream out my lungs  
It makes this harder  
And the tears stream down my face  
~

 

Louis POV

During the interview, I pushed all my worries about Harry to the back of my mind, focusing on the questions instead. When I left the studio, Zayn and Liam had been acting all lovey-dovey and making me laugh, but there was something off in that moment.  
Something wasn’t quite right in the world. It wasn’t any of the usual things… It felt like something close to me. Something close to me had been hurt. No… not hurt…Something close to my heart had disappeared... Just… vanished. I couldn’t tell you what it was, but it was something. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced. It was something… or…no… no… it was just something. Something…or…no…or…someone. No. It couldn’t be. Not someone. I was just being paranoid. The sky, which had been blue and sunny when I’d gone into the studio, was now coated in dark clouds that threatened rain and thunder. No. Never. He wouldn’t have…Would he? No. I was paranoid. No. He was fine. My best friend wouldn’t…No. He wouldn’t. Never. I called Niall. He picked up on the second ring.

“Hey. Do you feel something… off?”

“Whatcha mean?” His voice was garbled around some type of crisps.

“Like something…or someone just disappeared from your heart? Just now?”

“Well…” Niall went silent. “Yeah.” He said after a moment.

“What did Haz mean in that email?”

“Um… I can’t say right now. I’m sorry, Lou.”

“GAH! WHY CAN’T ANYONE FUCKING TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON WITH MY FUCKING BEST FRIEND!?” I ended the call. The sky opened and rain poured down on my head. I ran to my car, sliding into the driver’s seat. I pulled out of the parking lot, and realized I had no idea where I was going. I just drove, and somehow ended up at Liam and Zayn’s place. I parked the car by the curb, climbed out, and ran inside. It was still pouring. 

The lads were playing FIFA on the big screen. They were unusually silent, no one commenting on anything in particular, no one laughing or smiling. It was like they were trying to cope with something unknown, yet known at the same time. It was eerily quiet, just the thumbing of joysticks and clicking of buttons, and Niall’s crisp bag crackling as he stared at the screen, played, and ate crisps all at the same time. Liam and Zayn were cuddled as close as possible, and Niall perched on the end of the sofa. The pillow that Harry always clutched was sitting on the other end of the couch, where Harry always sat with me. That spot was empty, and it somehow made me tear up even though I didn’t know where he was or what happened to him.

“G-guys, where’s Haz?”

The four of them shared glances before Liam cleared his throat.

“Um, I guess you have every right to know…” Zayn started, glancing at Liam for reassurance.

“Harry is-he’s…he’s…” Liam couldn’t bring himself to say it for a moment. “He’s…gone…” 

At that, Niall mumbled something about the bathroom and left the room, blinking rapidly, hands trembling. Zayn simply looked away at the floor. I stood there in shock for a few seconds. 

“What?”

“He’s gone, Louis.” Liam came over and gave me a gentle hug.

“What? Why? What?”

“That’s it. He’s gone.” 

Suddenly the magnitude of it hit me. No. They had to be wrong. My best friend wouldn’t do this to me, without warning to me. No. Despite what I kept on telling myself, somehow, I knew it was true. Harry was gone.

“No... No…. No. He’s not. He’s not. He can’t be! No! He wouldn’t!” I sobbed into Liam’s shoulder, and he stroked my back like I was a little child. “No! He can’t be! No! WHY?!”

I felt another pair of arms wrap around me. Zayn. I didn’t care. My best friend in the whole entire world was gone. 

“We’re going over to his place if you want to come.” Zayn finally said, his voice low.

I nodded, sniffling. I couldn’t speak just yet. My cheeks were wet with tears.

 

Third Person POV

It was a sad procession that made its way out to the curb. Niall had rejoined the group, and together, they walked out to the Louis’ car.

“I’m driving. I don’t want to lose any more of you guys today.” Liam said, his voice cracking slightly. Louis tossed him the keys silently.

The others climbed into the car with no protest. Liam pulled off the curb and drove to the flat complex where Harry had lived. 

“Damnnit.” Louis muttered after trying the door, which was locked. He had totally forgotten that the door needed to be unlocked from inside a flat. 

“Let me.” Zayn took a small square plastic object out of his pocket and held it up to the lock. The red light turned green and the door unlocked. “It’s a fob. One of those things with a microchip that lets you unlock the door. Haz gave it to me.”

Everyone went in and walked the two flights of stairs to the flat. Zayn had another key, which he unlocked the apartment door with. 

 

Louis POV

There was nothing that stood out to me as wrong on first glance. Everything was in its place, like it always was. It was the notable lack of sound that hit me first. When I’d lived here before, there’d been some sort of music or talking in the background. On a second glance, everything was too neat, excluding the coffee table in the living room. When I’d lived here, everything had been tidy, and everything had its place, but now it looked like some sort of eerie model home, looking like no one had ever lived here before. The only exception, the coffee table, was covered in pictures and books. When I went over, I realized that the pictures were of me and him, and the books were the ones we used to share and laugh over together. Was…was I the one that made him kill himself? No. I wasn’t. It was something else. It couldn’t be me. He was always so happy at interviews and concerts and hangout nights, just like normal. But then the pictures…?

The lads had been watching me from the door.

“L-Li, it wasn’t me…was it?”

He took a breath. “Not you directly, no.”

“Th-then me indirectly?”

He looked away. It was enough of a sign to tell. 

How could I have been so blind? The happiness was all a lie. The…the comment about being under the weather. I should’ve known! My own happiness with El had been blinding me to the cracks in his mask, the few moments that I spotted him glancing at me off-camera and offstage, then looking away and blinking back tears, the jokes about Larry after the breakup, where he would smile, but the smile was so forced, the times he missed interviews or hangout nights after being sat next to me for an interview or something... The one time he’d let the mask drop entirely, after a concert, when he’d told me he missed me and was willing to make up the argument. I’d been so cruel; telling him that I’d never forgive that argument and no longer loved him that way. The look in his eyes that time. The sadness. The brokenness. How could I have been so stupid? Those days we’d do interviews, he made jokes and was sassy and cheeky like usual, but never seemed to quite mean anything he said. The times we’d won challenges or FIFA together, he gave me high-fives, but none were quite as enthusiastic as the ones before. And his eyes… during lunch and dinner, and any time off-camera. His eyes… The brokenness, the depression. How did I not notice?!  
While I was lost in my thoughts, I had ended up sitting on the couch where we had snuggled so many evenings, wasted so much time playing FIFA and Mario Kart when I was supposed to be writing songs and he was supposed to be doing Twitcams, eaten so many late-night snacks together. My eyes were welling up again, and as I sat there, I let the tears flow. 

“Lou?” Liam sat down beside me.

“What?”

“We found him. He left a note for you.”

“Where?”

“His room. The others are in there.”

“I’ll be in in a minute.”

“Okay.”

“Thanks, Li.”

In response, he gave me a hug.

I took a minute to collect my thoughts, then stood up and headed towards the once-familiar bedroom door, now made strange by the feelings of loss, sadness, and death that hung around it. I put my hand on the knob, not sure of what awaited me on the other side.

 

“It’s okay, Lou. Open it.” Liam’s hand was on my back.  
I turned the knob. The door opened to reveal Zayn sitting against the wall with his head in his hands, shoulders shaking slightly as tears ran silently down his face, Niall sitting next to him with his arm across Zayn’s shoulders, likewise crying. The cause of all this grief was Harry’s body hanging in the corner. His arms were covered in drying blood, and dark stains were at the sides of one of the oversized jumpers I’d loved so much.

~  
If only we could have this life  
For one more day  
If only we could turn back time  
~

 

Third Person POV

Louis fell to his knees in shock. 

“N-no…No, Hazza! No!”

Liam was instantly by his side, hugging him into his chest as he wept his heart out at the sight of his best friend’s lifeless body.

“Louis. Shhhh… You’re okay… He left you a note. Do you want it now?” Liam’s whisper was slightly comforting.

He nodded. Zayn stood up and brought the scrap of lined paper over. Louis took it with a trembling hand. There were notes written to each of the 1D members in Harry’s familiar scrawl.

 

Niall: Thanks for being a great friend through everything. You were always able to make me laugh, and thanks for being so supportive of me and Lou even before modest let us come out. Captain Niall forever! Haha, H x

Zayn: You’re an awesome lad. Liam is very lucky to have you, and I hope that you guys have a great life together. :) H x

Liam: You were one of my closest friends for as long as I’ve known you. I’ll miss you a lot. Keep being strong for the others, kay? H x

Louis: What do I say for you? Let’s try this…  
Dear Louis,  
Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew. It’s really cliché, but it is- was, actually, true for us. I can’t forget you, no matter how hard I try. I loved you so much, and I love you still. It’s so hard for me to go everywhere with you guys and see your face every day. I know you aren’t coming back, but I had the tiniest hope until El. Then the voices returned. He’s not coming back. He doesn’t love you. He can’t see the masks. He’s not coming back. He’s not coming back. Make it stop… Lou, come back. Make the voices stop. Please… Make them stop…Hold me... Make them go away… Lou-bear, I need you… Hold me in your arms one last time before I go…Help me…Please, babe… He’s not coming back. He’s not coming back…He left you. I’m not good enough… He’s not coming back… He’s not coming back…  
I’ll never forget you. Goodbye, beautiful.  
Hazza xx

 

Louis POV

I read the others’ notes out loud, voice trembling, but when I got to mine, I just read it to myself, the paper blurring in and out of focus through my tears. 

“I-I’m so sorry, Haz! I loved you too…Why didn’t you tell me all this before? Why?” Tears blinded me, and I let them. It didn’t matter how I looked. It didn’t matter that the others were staring at me, sympathetic but also uncertain of what to do. It didn’t matter that I was supposed to be home with El right now. Nothing mattered anymore. 

“He tried.” Zayn’s voice was slightly gravelly with emotion.

And then I remembered that time he dropped the mask, the way I’d crushed him, how he hadn’t been in touch the next two days, and how he looked like he hadn’t had any sleep for the past two days when he finally talked to us in person. I remembered the comments on the music videos and interview videos saying that he looked really depressed, and how I had brushed them off, thinking he was fine. One comment in particular struck me as I remembered all those moments. 'Harry looks like he still hasn’t gotten over Louis. At 5:26, 19:57, and 20:49, did you see the looks he gave him? He definitely hasn’t gotten over him.' That comment had over 400 likes, and Zayn had actually replied "He hasn’t". A lot of the other replies to that comment went something to the effect of "Stay strong, Harry. We’re here for you." I had laughed them off, thinking he did too. I was so wrong. Wrong to the point of death.

I wish I could go back and change things. I’m so sorry, Hazza-boo.

~  
Heart beats harder  
Time escapes me  
Trembling hands touch skin  
It makes this harder  
And the tears stream down my face.  
~

 

~Two Years Later~

A group of six people entered a cemetery somewhere in LA. One brunette woman walked slightly apart from the others, holding a bouquet of white roses. The three men seemed to be slightly more tight-knit. Another woman trailed slightly behind, holding the hand of a little toddler.

“Momma, are we visiting Haz and Lou again?” 

“Yes, hon.”

“And are we giving them flowers again?”

“You know we are.”

“Why?”

“Well, you know it means a lot to Daddy.”

“Yeah…” 

By then, the group had reached their destination, two graves in a shady corner of the cemetery. The little boy’s dad, a man with spikey, dyed-blonde hair was at the front of the group. Two other men holding hands, a brown-haired one with a buzz cut, and a black-haired one with a fancy quiff, stood just behind the blonde, wiping their tears away. The woman that had been walking slightly apart from the rest knelt at the gravestone on the left, laying the roses at the base of the marble stone. 

“You wanna do it this time, Zayn?” Niall asked the man with a quiff just behind him.

“Sure.” Zayn stepped forward and took the flowers from Niall and his wife. As he gently set the sunflowers down, his sleeve slipped back slightly to reveal a new tattoo on the back of his right hand. It was tiny, an H and an L intertwined to form initials that looked suspiciously like LS. 

Niall’s son stepped forward and tossed the flower he had been holding onto the rest of the bouquet.

“Hazza, make sure you share those with Lou up there! Don’t be selfish!” He declared, face turned to the cloudy gray sky. Everybody smiled slightly, even Eleanor. 

The sun burst through the clouds, and a beam of sunlight hit the two gravestones. 

A gentle breeze blew by, saying that everything was alright now.

~  
You know I’ll be  
Your life  
Your voice  
Your reason to be  
My love  
My heart  
Is breathing for this  
Moment  
In time  
I’ll find the words to say  
Before you leave me today  
~

 

 

-fin.

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me on tumblr @ smollest-louis  
> also can i promise this is crappier than most of my fic? i wrote it like three years ago for a different fandom/ship and just made it into larry a couple months ago.


End file.
